plus I kinda didn't listen to all the new physics and econs lectures so I'm damn confused now haha. I keep telling myself to start listening but it doesn't seem to work.

Don't know why but my year has been pretty screwed up. Academically it's still quite ok but it wasn't as good as last year. then training. Kinda lost my motivation to train already. Not because of the bronze medal but the fact that we only got a bronze. I think there's this emotional barrier that keeps telling me that I suck. I think the reason is that I'm not improving, rather, I'm getting worse. and I keep getting trashed by my sparring partner:( I fenced really badly during novices. and yes. you don't have to tell me in my face that its my fault. I know it myself. reverse psychology freaking doesn't work on me. it backfires. its my mental side that's pulling me back. and of course, lack of training. but I can't train coz CTs are coming up. Its not that I don't want to train. I hate it when people start questioning my commitment towards fencing. but what the freak, I know it myself can already. and somehow my intuition tells me coach gave up on me. its making everything worse.

And then it's that problem. I just want to fence ok, not think so much about other stuff. and its giving me a lot of stress. he's not giving up and I really don't want to hurt him again. it freaking spoiled my CNY holiday. thinking about that. i don't know what to do and its kind of irritating me.

Y1:21 AM